Do I have to leave a title? Do I really need to come up with a title for a blog post that I don’t know what it will be about yet? Since I am here answering questions I suppose I will make this post about questions.

We all have them. How many do we actually ask? How many do we find answers to.

i have spent the last four years trying to heal from some things that happened to me. I thought I was doing good. I thought I was doing great. However, a year ago I began to get depressed. Or was I down? I didn’t know. I often wondered and asked myself, “am I depressed?”  More questions would eventually arise. Was I a good mother? What was my purpose? Why do I bother? Why dream? Why hope? The questions would just keep coming. The more questions I asked the worse I seemed to get. I had a problem. I wasn’t really looking for answers. I had questions with no answers. And that just made things worse. Then I pushed them aside.

Recently I decided to find some answers to my questions. One answer was needed to one question I failed to ask. Was I healed? Or. How was my healing going? I didn’t even know that was a question available to me. I found it when I was trying to figure something else out. To answer another question: “was I depressed?”  Or maybe it was: “what is wrong with me?”

Finding the right question leads to the needed answers. Following that requires patience and effort in believing and applying what is learned. We need to ask questions. We need to find answers. We need to keep trying.

As I learn new questions and find more answers I get to become a better person. A better mother. A happier person. Something everyone can be, and sometimes it just starts with one question.


how to not get sick from your kids

When children get sick there is usually someone else in the family who will follow with that sickness. When you have little children it is almost guaranteed to get sick, unless you take very sever steps to not get sick. I have determined there are a few things one could do to prevent sickness.

First let’s talk about what happens when a kid gets sick with something that is contagious. They sneeze and cough over everything and everyone. It does not matter how many times you teach or remind they how to cover their mouth, it will do no good. To combat that you either have them wear a mask (that they will likely take off sooner than later) or you put one on yourself. If you do not have a mask then you could put your child in isolation. Wait! That will not work. Unless your sick child is sick enough that they are bed-bound a sickness is likely to keep them going strong. They will not stay in isolation. Okay, since they won’t stay in isolation then you should probably go in isolation. That is your safest bed. Completely isolate yourself…okay, fine, I suppose that will not work either. Well, then, just get some disinfectant spray or wipes and follow your kid around. Every time they sneeze or cough clean the whole room.

There is also the matter of children and them sneaking drinks from your glass of water or other innocent drink you have. I know you should not do that, but that does not stop kids from doing it.

Whatever the case, it is quite difficult to not get sick when your kids get sick. I used to think that all those colds I caught while young would save me from some colds and illnesses that my children bring home. Yeah right! I am immune to nothing. So, every time my kids cough or sneeze right in my face I close my mouth and hold my breath. I pray that will not be the end of my current healthy streak. I admit that I was doing pretty good. The last few colds my daughter brought home I was actually able to avoid. I was proud of myself for not sharing drinks and not letting her cough or sneeze on me. However a few days ago when she was looking right in my face and sneezed I knew it was over. That was it. There was no helping me now. So, here I sit feeling like my body is really trying hard to not get sick, but feeling it will still come. Here I sit knowing that even if I can avoid one cold or sickness from a kid I cannot seem to avoid them all.

Good luck parents.

lifting another

Several years ago my son was diagnosed with seizures. After his diagnosis so many things became clear and I realized he had probably been having seizures for quite some time. I suspect since birth. At the time of diagnosis he was around five years old. At the time of diagnosis was also the time that my marriage to his father came to an end.

Those first several months I was afraid to let my son sleep alone. I kept him near me at night and was prepared with the camera to video record it for documentation. I was scared and nervous. Every seizure freaked me out. I was always alone too. There was nobody to help navigate things in the moment. Every decision of what to do was up to me.

After several years I have gotten used to the seizures and my response to them has become more routine than anything else. Always with lots of cuddle time and worry afterward.

This last Sunday my special needs son had a seizure. This was a more severe one for him. This was also the first that anyone in our church congregation had ever witnessed. I was amazed at how quickly so many came to help. After much thought I realized that what had happened was that others were helping to lift me and carry my burden of care for my son. Even if it was for a few minutes, it was enough.

Afterward a few had commented to me how I was so calm and they were feeling really scared for my son. I have learned to  react in a certain way to my son’s seizures, and although I appear calm I am freaking out inside. I never know when it could turn to something worse.

We all experience things that will be hard in life  some things we get used to and we appear calm when we do not really feel calm. Sometimes we see others who appear calm yet they are struggling inside. Do not let the appearance of strength fool you. Everybody needs at least a little bit of lifting. Whether a kind word or act, it can all mean the difference to one who is putting on that brave face.



finding hope

The last few days have been a bit troubling for me. I find myself desiring warmer weather and the ability to move forward with life. I have hit a standstill-or so it seems. At this standstill I find that I am more easily swayed to discouragement. My patience has hit a limit and life just does not seem to get better. So, what is one to do?

I took to writing today. Writing down my disappointments, the things discouraging to me, and the things I felt I could do better. I then wrote down the things I felt I needed to do to improve my outlook. I realized I needed to improve my outlook because I was experience a loss of hope. Hope for my situation in life to improve, to have a any kind of movement forward in life, and so forth. Without movement forward I feel lost. That means it is time for me to do something to change where I am stuck.

As a single parent it is easy to get stuck. For me, I am stuck in a cycle. I clean then my children destroy. I attempt to make things better. My children then destroy. Dishes get dirty then dishes get cleaned. Laundry continues to get dirty after being cleaned, all for it to need cleaning again. It is an endless cycle. Add that to attempts to raise children who will work and listen is daunting. Often they do not seem to ever hear a word said unless it is “dessert,” or “present.” Let’s just add the frequent crying, diaper changes, fighting, etc. It is an endless cycle. After so many days of these tasks and this kind of life it can become depressing, thankless, discouraging, and you get stuck.

Being stuck means I get to try to find a way out of the pit of despair. There is something to look forward to, even if it is looking forward to ten extra minutes of a room being clean over the last time. To look forward to a holiday, sleeping in, having a few minutes to oneself free of responsibility (think soaking in a nice warm bath).

So, whatever may be the difficulty in life as a parent or a person in any circumstance in life there is something to look forward to. There is movement forward even if it is small. There is hope even in the little things.

ice cream snacks

ice cream snacks

Someday I will learn not to take any children to the grocery store with me. I am fully aware that when you shop with a child you end up purchasing more than you intended. I went for milk and to pick up prescriptions. I ended up with ice cream too. Ice cream on a very cold day.

On the way to the checkout I had a brilliant idea! I often have brilliant ideas-I just never implement them. Okay, so maybe my ideas are not really brilliant, but they are ideas that do not cause harm. That should be good, right?

My lovely idea was to create some little ice cream balls and cover them with the hard shell ice cream chocolate.

So, we went to the ice cream topping section of the store. For some reason, I just didn’t want to buy that stuff. Then came another brilliant idea. Make it myself! Was it possible? Could I really make this hardshell chocolate topping myself? I pulled out my phone to find out. One quick internet search and I found a two ingredient recipe. Yay! I actually had all of the ingredients.

One thing I have learned as an adult is that I do not excel at many things beyond patience. I love crafts, but I do nothing like what you see from others online. I am no Pinterest perfect crafter or anything else for that matter. However, that did not stop me from making these treats and involving my kids. Involving them made it so much better.

My ice cream treats were not perfectly round shapes. Chocolate ended up all over the place—and all over my youngest. We used several forks and spoons and more than one towel and washcloth. However, it was all worth it, and afterward I felt good.


I felt good because I have not bothered, or felt like, being creative for several weeks. I have felt lost. It felt good to do something to help get me out of the funk I have been in for what seems like months. It also got me to get my camera out and take pictures. Heck, I even figured I would  take pictures of the lovely little snacks on top of my tiny fancy dish.



A few days ago my father visited me. I love my father. He comes often. Mainly to check up on me. Hopefully it is not to check and observe the messes that he may see-it often feels like that. While my children were playing he reached out his hand for mine. I took it. It reminded me of my grandfather doing the same things when I was young. He would just hold my hand across the arms of the chairs. Sometimes my arm would feel heavy, since I kind of hand to reach a bit for his. It is something I will always hold dear to my heart.

While holding my hand he said something. I admit, I don’t remember. The tears were already building up, and I was speechless. I attempted to tell him I loved him too. I looked over at the girls playing in an effort to break up the awkward moment. He kept holding my hand. He mentioned that he knew things were hard, that my job was hard, and that my kids have no clue how good of a mother they have. I did remind him they are good kids. I am grateful to be their mother, even if they are a handful.

I did take a moment to thank my father and apologize for any difficulty I caused him when I was young. I thank him every year on my birthday.

While thinking about the verbal exchange I had with my father while he held my hand, I began to wonder about my own self as a parent. I try so very hard to be tender with my children. To set firm boundaries, but be loving and kind. To not let them walk all over me, and to have them help out around the house. I tell you, it is darn hard to raise little people into decent human beings. I just hope I do not mess up. And then I get to the end of the day. The part of the day where I can decide how much I will beat myself up as a parent: ” Did I do well? I am such a horrible parent? Why did I not do that? Why did I do that? I am screwing my kids up? I need to….” and then, “I can try again tomorrow. I did do this and I did do that. Maybe I am not so bad afterall.”


Really? I am just sayin’. Everything you read on the internet is not true…Now that we have that established. I do often head to the internet to search for ideas and hopeful solutions to problems. I recently looked up two things. How to get out of a funk and how to deal with a defiant toddler. The defiant toddler information seemed worthy of a test. So, for the past few days I have been attempting to try out what I had read. At this point I say, “yeah right.”

Parenting advice that usually has to do with “how not to yell at your kids ever again,” and “how to get your children to obey you every time” are hogwash. I say, HOGWASH! I am assuming that those articles and bits of advice are either written by people who have never had children, those who have grown children and have forgotten what it was like, have nannies, or have pretty easy kids. I only have four kids. Each one of them is different-big time. My two youngest include a crier and a push-the-button kid. I am not sure what is harder of those issues. The crying over everything or the yelling and being defiant, never obeying kid. Who, by the way, screams every time you tell her “no.”

Someone recently asked me, with a serious face, if I had tried telling my kids “no” yet. Cue sarcasm.: Um, no. I haven’t. I have never thought about telling them “no.” Wow, how do you do that? Maybe that will solve all my problems.

I don’t indulge my children either. This is their temperament. I have to learn how to communicate with them so they feel like they are communicating with me, without breaking their spirit, killing them, or do psychological damage in some way. Telling them “no” should not hurt them in any way, although they sure make it seem that way. I follow through with rules and with whatever I tell them. At least I believe I do, I will give myself some room for mistakes or changing my mind. I often realize I do make mistakes as a parent. That means I have to cool off, have time outs, and even tell my children sorry because they were trying to do something innocent and I misunderstood.

Parenting is darn hard. Did you get that? It is hard! However, it is so worth it. I hope that I do a good job. I hope they make good choices and are kind people. I hope they forgive me for my mistakes. In the meantime, while I wait for them to grow up, I will keep on keeping on. I will keep trying again and again. I will even search the internet again for other ideas that I can try with my children to learn how I can be a better parent and maybe, just maybe, find the magic language my kid needs to hear.